Welcome!

 

Hey everyone, my name is Jul! I feel kinda weird introducing myself when I am the only person who knows I am making this, but I don't know it just felt right. For all I know, I'll just keep this url a secret - my own electronic diary to document my progress - or maybe I'll be bold and share it? Only time will tell I guess. 

Well, today is January 12, 2021 and I am sitting on the $100 futon in my Baltimore apartment. Unsure why I needed to tell you how much the futon costed, I just felt like it would give you a better idea of what my situation is looking like. But anyways... I wanted to make this electronic diary for a number of reasons: 1. I am way too much of a perfectionist to do this all in a notebook (i.e. if I misspelled a word or wanted to redo a paragraph, I would be writing the same entry for days), and 2. for years I have claimed that, "this is the year I am going to get my shit together," but then I just fall back into the same toxic, counterproductive habits - so, I felt like this would essentially hold me accountable. 

I wonder if these posts have a word limit because I am realizing I have a lot I want to unpack, guess we'll have to see.

So first, I want to start by giving myself a small bit of credit in saying I have gradually become a little better at strengthening my own self image and also understanding what I deserve - but, that does not mean I am where I want to be at all. For starters, I really want to know at what age I'll truly not care what people think about me? Like why am I so consumed about what some guy my age thinks of my voice, my hair, or maybe my outfit? Like Julia, that boy is probably so concerned about himself he barely even noticed you. And no, that was not me criticizing some made-up boy, it's just the fact that we are all so concerned about the ourselves and the ways were viewed in society, and for what? 

Second, for years I have solely based my self worth on the attention a boy would be giving me at that point in time. That boy didn't answer my Snapchat? He didn't respond to my text message in the way I had anticipated? Well I can honestly tell you that ruined my entire day - I became short with my friends and family or would just completely keep to myself - all over some boy. I would also like to address that now I think back to all these boys who I let dictate my entire self perception and can't help but laugh. I don't know, I guess I was in the moment with it all.

For so long I was so embarrassed to admit this, but I think admitting this is the first step in changing that mindset. And yes, I definitely think I have gotten so much better at this, but it doesn't mean I am where I want to be. I can say that now when I get left on read on Snapchat, I kinda laugh - I mean maybe I'm forcing myself to laugh to hide the fact I am upset, but if it works it works. 

So, if anyone besides me ever ends up finding this page, I hope you laugh at things like that too. Because frankly, who cares? Leave me on open on Snapchat. Open my text message and don't respond. Do these things, but don't ever think that you doing this or anything else will ever again affect the way I view the person that I see in the mirror. 

Because frankly, if you think you have won by treating me like an option or an object, then I can confidently say that you are sadly mistaken :))

P.S. I'm gonna try to add a song to each post for some fun. No this song doesn't have anything to do with what I wrote it's just what I listened to while writing this.