Hey everyone, again I know it's just me here but it just feels less weird if I at least pretend someone else is reading this. So, I would like to start with the fact that I am definitely in a better mood than yesterday - I mean it's only 11:27am so I have plenty of day left, but its the little victories. Anyways... I've spent a lot of time recently thinking about TikTok and just how popular and addicting is has become; literally just an endless stream of videos that you can mindlessly scroll through for hours. At this point you're probably like Jul you're speaking common knowledge we already knew this, but let me keep going...
So I will start by openly admitting the fact that I'm obsessed with TikTok. It's a weird sort of passive obsession in that half the time I don't even remember what I just watched but it's more so the fact that it passes time. With this being said, while yes some of these videos pass by and I don't even realize what I just watched, the same cannot be said for all. For so long my TikTok feed was flooded with videos that held toxic messages (ways to further perpetuate an eating disorder, restrict calories, or over-exercise) and I even, at times, found myself saving these videos because I believed them. This was when I was at the height of my bad relationship with food - a scary time in my life that very few people in my life even know about. But it was like TikTok could read my mind - simply displaying my insecurities on the screen knowing I would eat it right up... And I did.
My entire life, people would always comment on how skinny I was, how fast my metabolism worked - and it was true. I will be the first to admit the fact that as a child I could eat whatever I wanted and struggle to gain a pound, sometimes this is still true. Then I went abroad and gained 10 pounds in 4 months. When I got home and weighed myself that night I couldn't help but sob and hate myself - and here began my toxic relationship with food and exercise.
I wish I was lying when I told you I could pinpoint the exact time this took place. I can even tell you the exact outfit I was wearing - an outfit I have yet to put back on because it brings back memories I do not plan on reliving.
It has now been about 13 months since that day and I wish I could tell you I am fully past that mindset, but I'd be lying. And what's the good in lying about that? I'd still be stuck in this head space and you would go on your way thinking my relationship with food is exactly as it should be. There's my first piece of advice to you, don't lie to those who love you - they will know before you even open your mouth to tell them. I not only lied to my loved ones, but I lied to myself, creating this story that I was okay - fake it till you make it type of mentality. I'm here to tell you that, at least in this instance, that mentality is bullshit. We live in a society where everyone puts on this mask of perfection, when behind it they may be struggling just to get through the day - and we tell them thats normal or expected. When in reality, we should be taught from a young age to be open about our insecurities and our flaws because it will not only help ourselves, but so many others. So yes, I struggle with body image and my relationship with food and if this ever finds an individual who also struggles, just know you're not alone in that.
Now back to how this relates to TikTok...
During this time when I was at my worst, I found myself worshiping these accounts on TikTok that promoted the most unhealthy, quick-fix habits. Skip lunch? Drink water before a meal to make yourself less hungry? I can promise you I tried it. All because I convinced myself that once I lost those ten pounds I would be happy and my broken relationship with food would be mended. Well... those ten pounds are now gone and I can promise you I still have some work to do.
With this being said, while yes I still sometimes have to remind myself it is normal and healthy to have three meals, I am so much better than I used to be. I no longer feel the need to work out to excess. I am back to wanting dessert, because believe it or not, one cookie will not kill you!
So again, if this page ever finds someone other than me, I encourage you to go look in the mirror and actually look. Don't passively look at yourself or over-analyze the 'imperfection' you think you have - but rather, remind yourself that you deserve what is best for yourself, you don't deserve to be your own worst enemy.
I'm gonna close with a cheesy mentality I sometimes say to myself - count memories not calories. Yeah I know it's cheesy, but seriously think about it.
Also, I'm really bad at routines but I really wanna try to write in this every day, it's kinda calming.
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